Discovering the Internal Obstacles; Forward Progression

I decided to go back to college and study Sociology after decades of time off, one of those decades were spent in the military during our country’s conflict/(war) on terrorism. The realities of my world/(people) changed drastically during those years in the military. It opened my mind, and just as equally there was chaos internally and externally. The idea of college hadn’t cross my mind until the end of my fourth deployment, as it was still in its fetus stage of development. I’ll call this the volley of motivation. A back and forth of why and why not and the “Why would I go back to school?” would sneak its way into my mind when everything felt wrong about life. The thought of moving past combat was and still is bleak. The experiences and thoughts of the combat zone still control the better part of my day.

Progression is something I strive for, so I volunteered to serve my country, for a better, and safer America for my family and yours. Most times there didn’t feel like I had a choice, in order to move forward, the famous last words from people was to “suck it up”. These three small words is a deceiving one that could be very detrimental to the thought process. It’s a reinforcement that silences the individual, which in turn silencing your voice. “Let it go” is a similar statement that quiets the individual. When someone says that, do you actually “let it go” and feel at peace with yourself?

I mention those saying; one because it’s annoyances, and is a way for others to impose their ideas and perception of the world on to the other. Another is outcome based, it becomes apart of the character. Of course in life there are times when those sayings have to be followed, but when this message is ingrained subconsciously, a hopeless feeling can surface. The awareness of one negative message may open the door for others to take its place. Being able to see the second and third effects may not be any easier, because from my experience the following effects are ones that are sitting on the bench, waiting for their turn to discourage.  Instead of seeing the light at the end of my tunnel, the tunnel became a bubble full of memories that bombards the soul, an overwhelming feeling of mass confusion.  Acceptance was a blanketing statement of self-deception, an empty agreement between the demon of war and what it will take to see my family again. “Suck it up” is definitely a philosophy that I’m not willing to live by.  If I accepted this philosophy and all of its extremes, I may as well be that stereotyped or stigmatized Veteran. The previous statement became part of my motivation, and my refusal to “suck it up” was another part. The majority of obstacles comes from within, and no matter how the rest of life goes I need to know that I exhausted all logical options. Most of the obstacles that I deal with are the emotional, some rational, some irrational but a major obstacle in deciding to move forward, is fear.

The fear of failure crosses my mind and still lingers around, waiting for a window to open. My fight against internal chaos of forgotten memory restrains that slow progress of change. It’s change never-the-less. I learned a lot about myself and the world. If I allow myself to follow this rule of thought, I may as well give up my rights, freedom, and put out an ad in search for a puppeteer.

If you take a look at some of the expressions that linger around in your own mind I’m sure you will find one that dismisses your ability to accomplish your goal. These thoughts that play off of your own humanity, demeaning who you are as a person is an obstacle that appears and disappears depending on mood. Which is a weak dismissal of the human spirit.


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